From: Lori Kelch
Email:
Course: CD 170
College: San Jose State University
Instructor: Eugene Matusov
ClassWeb: http://www.ematusov.com/cd170
ChildrenObservations: No
Date: 21 May 1997
Time: 15:41:49
Remote Name: lanna.sjsu.edu
Single parent fathers are a growing population. Not only is the number of single fathers increasing, but it is rising more rapidly than the number of single mothers. For the father to gain custody of his children, it needs to be the child's choice or he needs to prove the mother incompetent. Family problems and strengths arise in everyday life for these single parents. Fathers have learned to cope as a single parent, a homemaker, and an employee. The father/child relationship is much better than before the divorce, and both father and child have learned to accept and value their new lifestyle.
This paper will focus on the topic of single-parenting, mainly, single parent fathers; the ups and the downs, strengths and weaknesses. Two reasons why I chose to focus on single-parent fathers are because mothers are usually awarded custody of their children and not much is known about the fathers. I want to know how single-parenting effects the children as well as the father. The other reason is because my brother is a single-parent father and I wanted to know if and how his situation compares to research. In my opinion, courts are too often, automatically, awarding custody to the mother. It might be the case sometimes, but not all the time.
In my brother Frank's case (all names are pseudonyms here), custody of Josh was awarded to his mother. This was the wrong decision and one year later Frank and my family paid for it. Josh's mother "stole" him and fled the country, to make a very long story short, we "stole" him back and now Frank has full custody. Josh's mother is still out of the country and has a warrant out for her arrest. It was a very difficult time, but luckily it was a happy ending. Now Frank is raising Josh alone and I want to know what the effects, positive or negative, could be, if any.
Reasons why a father would become a single-parent vary in every situation. Some can be divorce and the father wins custody, death of the mother, abandonment, unfit mother (financially, drug and/or alcohol abuse), and other reasons such as my brother's situation. Mothers are usually thought of when a custody hearing takes place, but more and more often, fathers are winning the battle. Fathers emotions are overwhelmingly new because now they are fully responsible for their children. One difference is that fathers want this, they want to be involved in their children's lives. According to Bartz and Witcher (1978):
"Active involvement in the day-to-day lives of children is no longer the exclusive domain of mothers. Fathers are being encouraged to build closer interpersonal relationships with their children. As a result, many fathers have found that being a parent is richly rewarding and they are not willing to assume the role of "weekend" father just because a marriage relationship has soured." (p. 2)
There are many reasons why a relationship has "soured", but according to the fathers, it happened because of incompatibility, infidelity, mother leaving, and emotional problems (Greif & DeMaris, 1990). Other reasons could be mental health or substance abuse. It is important for the mother and father to maintain a healthy relationship for their children's sake as well as their own. Children depend on both a mother and a father.
Single parenting affects the entire family, the parent who has custody of the kids, the parent who has visitation and also the children. There are problems for everyone involved but there are also strengths. The main problems of single parenting according to Richards & Schmiege (1993) are: money, role/task overload, social life, and problems with the ex-wife. For single-mothers, money was the biggest problem, up to seventy-eight percent compared to eighteen percent for single fathers. For single-fathers, the biggest problem was "the ex-spouse," up to thirty-seven percent for fathers and only ten percent for mothers. And, for role/task overload and social life, single mothers were over ten percent higher than single fathers (p. 279-280). Other problems mentioned by some fathers were lack of patience and time and having to be away more than they wished (Bartz & Witcher, 1978). Single fathers have one problem single mothers do not have, society. They feel they have to prove to society that they can rear their children alone. "They feel they are treated as oddities because fathers are not commonly seen as involved and committed parents" (Richards & Schmiege, p. 282).
All families have their problems, and usually they get by them. It is a part of life everyone goes through, and hopefully, in the end, a lesson will be learned. Usually, there are hard times in life, but there are also strengths in a family that pulls them through. Richards and Schmiege (1993) provide five strengths for single-parent mothers and fathers: parenting skills, personal growth, communication, family management, and financial support. In their study, all of these strengths, except financial support, were very close between the mother and father, within five percent of each other. Richards and Schmiege conclude that financial support has a twenty percent difference, single mothers at twenty-nine percent and single-fathers at nine percent (p. 281). Single parent fathers have an easy time adjusting to their new role. According to Richards and Schmiege (1993), 69% of the fathers in their study believed single parenting became easier over time (p. 281). Single fathers are able to manage their households by themselves. In Risman's study (1986), she found "over 80% of all fathers reported that they were personally responsible for the varied tasks of housekeeping: grocery shopping, food preparation, house cleaning, and yard work" (p. 98). Risman states:
"Not only do fathers take responsibility for house cleaning and other mundane tasks, but they also report spending considerable time with their children in both household chores and recreational activities. On the average, single fathers and their children do household chores at least weekly. They watch TV together weekly, and play sports together more than once a month. These fathers take their children on an educational outing or watch spectator sports together monthly." (p. 99)
The question I am asking myself throughout the remainder of this paper is: Is a child's cognitive development effected by a single parent father? By defining cognitive development in this paper, I mean the thinking and feelings a child experiences. I want to know if a child thinks he/she is any different from any other child. I want to know how a child feels about being raised by only one parent as opposed to two, which can be the case with many friends. Can a child be negatively effected by single-parenting? How? Positively effected? How? What happens to the child's self-esteem? Motivation? Socialization? School life/ homework? Can a child being raised by a single-parent father function as well as a child being raised by an intact family?
Many questions come to mind with this topic, but I realize many will not be answered unless further research is conducted. My nephew, Josh, was only one year old when all this "steeling" was going on, and I don't think this effected him much. Now he is six years old and understands a little about what has happened and why his mother is not around. Has being raised by one parent effected him? My opinion about weather or not single-parenting effects a child's cognitive devilment ultimately depends on the father. Is the father actively involved in the child's life? Do father and son/daughter have a good relationship? These questions will answer the big question.
With Frank and Josh, I don't see any negative effects with Josh's cognitive development. Josh does not see his family life as abnormal, he really has a wonderful relationship with his father, and to fill in as a feminine role model, he has three aunts and a grandma he is very close with. Josh does not think he is any different from any other child, if anything, he feels special because he has so many aunts, uncles, and grandparents that are so close to him. Josh's self-esteem is high for a six year old. He has a positive attitude that excels in his school work, he loves to read and write (as well as he can), and he also enjoys extracurricular activities such as karate. His motivation level is also high. He really tries to sound out new words when he is trying to read a book or write on a piece of paper. He is very creative with decorating his room with art projects and pictures he has done.
One area Josh is more low in is socialization. He doesn't have very many friends, but I think there are reasons behind that. He is always around adults; grandma, grandpa, dad, aunts, uncles, and even friends of all of the above. There is only one child in the neighborhood and he is three years younger. At school, Josh usually likes to play alone. Also, I think his socialization skills will change once he gets into first grade. Josh is an excellent student. He really enjoys writing letters, numbers, and names. He enjoys reading books, drawing on the chalk/white board, and putting things together. Overall, the fact that Josh only has one parent has not effected his development.
It all depends on the involvement of the father. An article I found on the web discussed how to develop a healthy self-esteem in your child. It states (Developing a Healthy Self-Esteem in Your Child, http://www.parentsplace.com/ 1996): Children with healthy self-esteems try hard in school, get along with others, hold a "can-do" attitude about life, and feel positive about their environment. They can accept the ups and downs of life graciously. The opposite is true for children who suffer from low self-esteem. These children compare themselves to others and never feel they have done well enough. They are frustrated easily and fear risk and challenge. Children with low self-esteems can easily fall prey to peer pressure, eating disorders, and other dangers. (p. 1) If a child has low-self-esteem, the father needs to find the reasons behind it and if a child has a high self-esteem the father needs to continue to encourage it.
Low self-esteem is what fathers need to recognize and help their child to realize it, deal with it, and turn it around to a high self-esteem. First of all, the father needs to look at himself and his attitude because if he (the father) doesn't have a high self-esteem, he can't expect his child to have a high self-esteem. Parents, fathers, are role models for their children. Fathers need to find positive things that surround their child, since Josh likes karate, Frank needs to talk about karate with Josh and practice with him. This will show Josh that karate is important to his dad and it will make Josh feel more confidant with it. Fathers need to identify their child's strengths and go with them, this will create confidence in the child to do well in other areas of his life. A father can also give praise and encouragement which will definitely boost a child's self-esteem. If Josh knows Frank is proud of him, then Josh will want that feeling to continue, therefore, Josh will continue. When a child is feeling down and not happy, low self-esteem may be the problem. Using positive statements and providing a positive environment can change the whole situation (Single Parenting in the Nineties, 1996).
There are many emotions that children of single parents go through. Some of them are: worry, anger, jealousy, fear, withdrawal and rejection (A Rainbow of Emotions, http://www.parentsplace.com/ 1996). Single parents need to be able to recognize these emotions and help their child deal with them in a positive way. Single-parent fathers have a "step up" on single-parent mothers due to their financial situations. Their high occupational status, and financial and career advantages, are due to their educational background. This is the one area where single mothers feel single fathers have the greater advantage. Problems for both single-parent mothers and fathers are: money, role/task overload, social life, and their ex. Fathers and mothers share the problems of role/task overload and their social life. The mothers biggest problem is money and the fathers biggest problem is his ex-wife.
There are just as many problems in single parenting as there are strengths. Parenting skills, personal growth, communication, family management, and financial support are some of them. Many father/child relationships have improved since the separation of mother and father. In every family, there are problems and strengths. There is no difference whether it is a two parent family or a one parent family, and there should not be a difference whether the one parent family is headed by the mother or the father. When a father is given the chance, he can take care of the children just as well as the mother could. "This study suggests that when males take full responsibility for child care, when they meet the expectations usually confined to women, they develop intimate and affectionate relationships with their children" (Risman, 1986, p. 101).
In conclusion, my feelings on single parenting are still mixed. I know it is very hard on everyone, but sometimes it is for the best, for the sake of the children and the adults. Single parenting has always been, and unfortunately, it will always be. But in writing this paper I have learned that there are many more single parent fathers out there, and that fathers are given the chance to raise their children. Mothers are not always the right choice and it really makes me happy to know that our system is taking fathers seriously. In my brothers case, the court gave custody to the mother which was definitely the wrong choice. We tried to warn the courts and tell them that she would do this, but they wouldn't listen. Mothers are usually given custody, and trust me, it is not always the right choice, especially in our case. After too many tears and a lot of money we "took" my nephew back and today he is safe and happy. In the future, single parenting is going to continue to grow, but at least it will grow with fathers as well as mothers. Having a male role model is very important in the development of young children. Three main components according to Butterworth (1994) are engagement, accessibility and responsibility. Engagement is time spent interacting with a child on a one-to-one basis. A lesser degree of interaction is accessibility, where the parent is doing something such as watching television, but is available to respond to the child if necessary. Responsibility is being accountable for the everyday care and welfare of the child. (p. 3) These are three components that are important in the father/child interaction and development of the child. When the father has the time, or takes the time, to be involved with his child's life, everyone will benefit. Dawn Butterworth ended her article well with the words of Zinsmeister (as cited in Butterworth, 1994): "There is an emotional as well as physical aspect to father presence, and an interested and involved dad will always beat a lump at the end of the couch."
References
Bartz, K. W., & Witcher, W. C. (1978). When father gets custody. Children Today, 7 (September/October), 2-6, 35.
Butterworth, D. (1994). Are fathers really necessary to the family unit in early childhood? International Journal of Early Childhood, 26(1), 1-5.
Greif, G. L., & DeMaris, A. (1990). Single father's with custody. Families in Society: The Journal of Contemporary Human Services, 71, 259-266.
Richards, L. N., & Schmiege, C. J. (1993). Problems and strengths of single-parent families: Implications for practice and policy. Family Relations, 42(3), 277-285.
Risman, B. J. (1986). Can men "mother"? Life as a single father. Family Relations, 35, 95-102.
Single Parenting in the Nineties. (1996). A Rainbow of Emotions. ParentsPlace.com -- http://www.parentsplace.com/
Single Parenting in the Nineties. (1996). Developing a healthy self-esteem in your child. ParentsPlace.com -- http://www.parentsplace.com/