From: Ali Axelson
Email:
Course: CD 169: Motivating Children and adolescents in Educational Settings
College: SJSU
Instructor: Eugene Matusov
ClassWeb: http://www.ematusov.com/cd169
ChildrenObservations: No
Date: 24 May 1997
Time: 02:35:42
Remote Name: scopus169.scopus.com
In my paper I attempted to describe some of the frustrations and conflicts I feel as a young mother and wife. I describe the conflict that I experience when I reflect on my desire to be a full time mother and homemaker and the pressure I feel to pursue a career outside of my home. I attempt to address the differences between my world and the world my grandmothers knew when they were young wives and mothers, and I wonder if perhaps those were simpler times. I question whether or not the roles that men and women played today might in fact conflict with some of the natural instincts and desires that most women experience. In addressing that question I have tried to point out that most woman have a strong maternal instinct that drives them towards the role of caretaker of a family and how difficult it often is to fullfill those roles while also pursuing a career outside the home. I have tried to describe the enviornment in which I grew up and to address why in some ways I resent my own mother’s successful professional career because it contributes to my own insecurity that choosing the role of homemaker is not really enough for the modern woman today. I ask the question of how can a stay at home mom ever really be a "superwoman".
My mother is an extremely successful business woman and has always been an excellent role model for me and countless other women whose lives she has touched professionally. As far back as I can remember my father completely supported and encouraged my mother’s success even before her earnings potential began to exceed his. Throughout our childhood they shared the responsibilities that came with maintaining a home and raising my two brothers and I.
I know I should feel really lucky to have had parents that truly believed in equality between the sexes and who did not try to force a lot of gender related issues or restrictions on their children. I also am incredibly proud of my mother’s determination to not only succeed professionally but to also keep her femininity in tact and to be a very traditional mom in many ways. Nevertheless, if I were really honest I would have to admit that in some ways I probably have some resentments towards my mother. Those resentments arise when I find my self questioning whether or not I am as good as her. I know she would really be hurt if she knew I felt this way and it certainly isn’t her fault, but still I sometimes wish I lived in simpler times when women did not feel so much pressure to be anything more than good wives and mothers.
I am really close to both of my grandmothers and when I listen to them talk about their lives and the years they spent raising their children I am a little envious. Intellectually I realize that society has come incredibly far in trying to remove old gender related prejudices and that this is really important for all of us. I also firmly believe that people need to be free to pursue their dreams and to reach as high as they can without regard to their gender. I would want nothing less for the daughters I hope to have some day, and I certainly respect and love my mother for who is and what she has accomplished. Nevertheless, I do believe that many women today share my feelings and often question their own self-worth if they do not aspire to more that housewives and mothers.
When you think about it society has really tried in recent years to motivate young girls to think beyond traditional roles. Our educational system has also sought out ways to encourage women to enter fields that were male dominated like the sciences or engineering. At the same time many young mothers today are appalled at the idea of buying their daughters toys such as dolls to play with and would opt for toys that were more unisex. I think this is really sad in many ways.
As I look around I don’t see equal attention being given to help ensure that young girls and women grow up feeling comfortable with their own femininity and maternal instincts. In today’s world I wonder if we make sure that we allow a little girls the opportunity to consider homemaking as an exciting rewarding alternative. I also know a number of women my mother’s age who actually feel embarrassed in social situations when they are asked what they do and they say "nothing" or "I don’t work outside the home." My mother has a really dear friend who never worked outside her home and she tells me that she makes up stupid answers when she is asked that question, and while she laughs about it I know it bothers her.
I guess the real issue for me is that I do believe that in many ways men and women are different. I also believe that almost every woman has the desire to someday become a mother and no matter how career oriented a woman is, at the same time she has very strong maternal instincts. I think those instincts often extend towards her husband and other family members such as parents or siblings. I don’t think these feelings are right or wrong but I do think that most women have a nature instinct towards nurturing and caretaking which does not go away just because they pursue careers or work outside of the home. What often happens is what we call the "superwoman" complex where successful women believe they have to not only be the best professionally, but they also have to be the best mothers and homemakers. Obviously, that is an impossible task even for the most super of the "superwomen". At the same time the women that do not have the need or desire to be something other than successful homemakers feel totally inadequate because how can you be a "superwoman" if you just stay at home and take care of the kids.
It’s funny when I talk to my own mother about this. She says she believes she had the best of both worlds, and think perhaps she did but she also compromised a lot. I think her compromises were the right ones for her, but I think she would be the first to admit that she also missed a lot with respect to watching her own children grow up. In fact, last year she surprised all of us when she left the international firm at which she had been a partner for years to join a young public software company here in the Valley. When asked why she did it she said "I don’t want to travel so much now that I have a grandchild." When I pushed her on her reasoning she explained that she really had a need to participate in my son’s childhood and she didn’t want to miss the early years. I asked her if she had regrets about her choices and she said "I just don’t have as many memories of you kids when you were little as I wish I had." I know she means it and in some ways that makes me very sad. I know I don’t want to feel that way when my kids are grown but at the same time I feel like I am supposed to want other things even more because women today are supposed to have higher aspirations than simply motherhood.
I guess this is what I mean when I say I wish sometimes that I had grown up in a simpler time when it was not only okay to want to be a stay at home mom, but it was the norm.I wish I lived in a community where if I stayed at home with my children there would be lots of other young mothers like me at home in my neighborhood so that my children could play with their children and I would also have adult companions. The reality is that even if I didn’t work I would probably have to send my children to preschool or something because there would be no other young children in the neighborhood to play with because all of their mothers are at work. I also know that their are economic factors that force this in many cases. Nevertheless, it sounds nice and I think it is the kind of world my grandmothers knew. I am sure that I will find the right balance for myself and I know that ultimately I will want a lifestyle that includes some combination of homemaking and career pursuits. For me the secret will be deciding which one will be my priority. I hope I make the right choice.